I never believed people when they would say "I truly love myself - flaws and all!" I mean common, no one can love their flaws...hence why they're called flaws. And then it dawned on me- they don't register them as flaws. School should just be renamed as the "Insecurity Factory" because truth be told- that's all it's good for. Sure I know how to subtract, I know which organs are part of the endocrine system and I know what the value of X is- but were we taught how to accept ourselves? Definitely not. It's ironic how even as early as kindergarten, we are taught how to play nice with others and always be accepting of others, but we are never taught how to be accepting of ourselves first. I still remember one of the biggest fights I had with one of my boyfriends at that time (next to the fight which stemmed from me calling him a hick upon him getting out of the car barefoot - but that's a whole 'nother story). The fight began when I stated that I believed in the saying "you can't truly love another before loving yourself". I knew this was true, and I had also known at the time that I didn't love myself; I tolerated myself at best. At the time I was too distracted by the people around me, whether it was friends or boyfriends, that it didn't matter because I was rarely alone with myself. But eventually even that didn't satisfy what I was searching for and I realized that I needed to work on me. I was a walking insecurity and only saw flaws. I hated the puffiness under my eyes when I smiled, the four freckles on my cheek which just happen to make a square, my non Hollywood smile and of course, my curvy body. That's all I saw when I looked in the mirror, "'sup muffin top"..."oh hey box face"....."woah there, don't smile too much it'll look like you were stung by a bee". It wasn't healthy but I didn't know any other way. Everyone says "you have to love yourself" but no one tells you how. I would honestly just sit on my bed and stare expecting this massive epiphany to take over and I would be cured- naturally this didn't happen. In fact, it wasn't just one thing, it was many things over a gradual amount of time. Honestly it started with Second City, and if you follow my posts you know that I am the biggest Second City supporter. If it was a religion I would be going door to door asking if they'd heard the good news- and then I'd ask for a suggestion. Being on stage and getting so much positive feedback for being crazy and unfiltered was liberating. My first biggest laugh came from me coming onstage out of the blue with my stomach pushed forward, double chin in full glory and the deepest, raspiest voice I could muster; the audience died. And that's when it all changed and light went off; I didn't care what people thought anymore. I could look the ugliest I could make myself and still win over a crowd of people - I was still accepted. I can still hear one of my mentors tell us, "everyone knows you're attractive, you can be attractive as soon as you stop off that stage, but once you're on stage, you can't care about being pretty". That statement has always stayed with me because I have taken this into my everyday life. No one is attractive 24/7 but it is those "unattractive" moments that humanize us and actually, in turn, make us more attractive. I recently changed my profile picture which shows my puffy under eye and my first unfiltered thought was "they look really cute" and it was that moment when I knew that everything up until this moment has paid off. Every "hate" changed to "like", "like" changed to "love" and "love" changed to a true internal shift. It's a conscious effort to always pick the positive route when you look at yourself. It's too easy to pick the negative aspects of ourselves as that is how we are conditioned now. Every commercial is a fix for something that's "wrong" with us. Today I saw a commercial for acne cream- seems harmless enough...until they list 3 minutes worth of health risks which include avoiding sunlight and possible death. Really? For less pimples? This product is the definition of what is wrong with society. But it's times like these that I am thankful for where I have come from to who I am now. I wouldn't change the process I had to go through and I mean that. Everything that makes me Brianna is unique. Why would I want to be a cookie cutter human. I want to be remembered, I want to stick out among a sea of mannequins. So my advice to you is, start today, in fact start right now. Look in the mirror and list three things you like about yourself. No "like if" statements. Eventually like will switch to love and soon after that it will be effortless. It's time to start spending our energy on positive things. It's a switch that is free and the results are priceless. You are beautiful, Brianna
